Dear Diary,
I am back but shattered into a thousand pieces, with the same question I always have… Why didn’t he fight for me the way I fought for you?

It’s been 6 months since I lost my last piece of heart. Let’s pick up where we left off.
Everything was going well, and I had returned to him as any young girl in love would. But
this time, his family was included in the affection. Yes, I did meet his family, and I knew they
belonged to me the instant I met them.

Here is what happened during those days. When his family requested him to meet girls for wedlock, he did so without thinking about how I would get through it or whether he could wait any longer for me. Why wasn’t he able to tell his parents? He’s 30 years old, and he should be the one making the call, not his family. Shouldn’t he think in this manner?

But, I suppose, not everyone is as dedicated to you as you are to them. I assisted him in
choosing clothes for his date with the girl, among other things that were important to be
addressed. Was I insane? Or was I just being silly and telling my mind that he deserved it all?
That girl was a doctor, and I recall him expressing that he liked her but that his family
wouldn’t accept her career since they preferred someone who could work primarily from
home.

This gave me a peek into his mind. His sister and brother-in-law sat him down to come up with a plan. His voice still resonates in my mind. He believed that our union will benefit his family in more ways than one. Why was I loved then? Just because I could accomplish things on my own or because I was from a family of businesspeople? I think I would never be able to fathom. But love is blind, they say. I could not think clearly at that time.

This made me eager to meet his family. Everything went well. As my family was not groom hunting for me, it was an easy line-up of events. My family didn’t know what was going on in my mind. However, silence is the biggest sword, they say. Or at least, it became one in my case. His family assumed that I was not trying to make any effort to communicate this union to my family.

How is that possible when something from six months ago is still present? It takes time before they can accept it once more. Everything takes time. And matters like this can only be healed through time.

We resorted to a mediator who could communicate with my father and streamline the procedure. However, in the nick of time, he refused. I was prepared to do whatever was required of me, including talking to his sister’s friends, telling them my story, and listening to them as if I were a puppet to whatever they had to say. Was that how I was supposed to act? Or simply a fool, accepting anything that came my way.

I never got the desired time, consideration, or love I wanted from him, right from the beginning. Yes, I admit that we fought more than usual, but I was just going with the flow since that’s what you do when you love someone without conditions. After a fight, within ten minutes, everything was back to normal. Since it was pure love, I was unable to see his suffering.

Yes, I needed that basic necessity every female would need, but since I was passionately in love, I was not behaving in the usual manner. I constantly considered his well-being and participated in activities where he wanted to accomplish anything in life because it was my goal as well. From assisting him in carrying out his ideas, encouraging him to always succeed, and having faith in anything he did or would accomplish.

I was always there for him, like a shadow. I was there, rock-steady in every conflict of his life. I never disputed the fact that he loved me. But he never loved me as much as I loved him, which is fine since there is always one person who loves more than the other. However, that person can’t row the boat by herself; the person needs two extra hands to reach the destination quickly. Throughout the journey, I was yearning for his support.

His family soon became anxious about the road ahead. Will I be able to convince my family? But were they that self-centred that they didn’t understand that if I did that, I had end up worse off? They didn’t think the same way I did, so I had a slow-moving plan in hopes that they would eventually come around since my family couldn’t show me the right alliance until then. But I suppose no one is patient. Why wasn’t there any patience? And in the mid of this chaos, there came a proposal to him, which he liked I suppose.

Was the proposal tempting to him just because the lady went to a university in London? He became impatient, which resulted in my impatience to convince my family. Talking to him that day made me feel uneasy. Without considering the repercussions I might face, I simply gave his father my father’s phone number.

I believe that when people do not plan ahead of time and simply want to end the matter by talking about it, they lose. You lose because you didn’t consider the advantages and disadvantages. Since I had run out of options and could not bear to watch him suffer, I forwarded my father’s phone number. But even though we were aware of what would happen, I still was okay with it. I was ordered to stay at home and was not allowed to go to work.

I was devastated when my family rejected my request to marry him. They disapproved of love
marriages, which was something that was bound to happen. No love marriage can get approved in a single day. There is a lot of drama and fighting in it. Moreover, I had planned for the worst and was certain that it would occur. The treatment I received from his family was one of the things that wounded me the most. All these things were disturbing. Nobody even bothered to inquire about my well-being once. No one advised me not to be alarmed. No one sympathized that they were with me. Nothing was done; the wound was just left open.

They only conjured up the idea that she had given up and was defenceless. But did they even know what occurred, or were they just cooking up a story? Then I realised that only blood relationships count. Once my family said no, all of the affection and concern that had been displayed vanished in thin air. Forget about his family; what upset me the most was his behaviour. He had the guts to ask me whether we should even communicate like this.

Was he completely insane when he texted me this? Had he gone bonkers? He broke all ties with me as we could not marry. Seriously? How can people be so callous, and how did he make up his mind in just one day? I was barred from doing anything. He knew it. He knew I was crying every second of my life. How could he? He just gave up on someone who devoted her heart and soul to him?
Was he such a coward?

He had the gall to say that his family wants him to move on and search for the right alliance. He conveniently forgot the girl who sacrificed so much for him. He didn’t have the patience to at least wait for things to calm down. He betrayed my affection for him. A traitor! But you know what I did—I told him to go out with other girls because I didn’t want him or his family to go through any suffering. I simply sent them all my best wishes.

The same question applies here: why didn’t he stand up for me? Was he not 30 years old
and capable of making his own decisions? When he couldn’t go against his family’s decisions for him, how could he expect that I would do something like this? I remained calm and indicated it was alright for him to move on with his life while still wishing him luck in both his personal and professional endeavours. I asked him to fulfil the obligation he had to his family. That was a naive statement on my part. I acted foolishly when I kept my anguish to myself. Not a single day has passed since then that I haven’t cried, not a single second that I haven’t been able to take my mind off the things he spoke to me and betrayed me.

It taught me how egotistical one might be and that I was no longer in need. He betrayed me in the
same way that he betrayed his previous 5-year relationship. Accepting his family’s advice and just refusing to fight. How can you ask someone else to do something when you lack the courage to defend yourself? The combat is never seen or heard but is always reported naively. It is the warrior who is only aware of his experiences. You can’t ask someone for assurance of the future when you don’t know what the future looks like for yourself, let alone the future, because nobody anticipated that we would stop talking, but we did. That is what difficult situations teach you.

Your happiness is entirely up to you. There is no one else responsible for it. That’s all I was able to write today. I still have a lot to say, but my heart is heavy right now, making it difficult for me to write or think clearly. But dear diary, it’s been 4 days since I haven’t talked to him bravely, not even sent a message.

It’s just hurting my suffering because of the words he vomited at me; they’re still there in my head, hurting me. I won’t let my agony and suffering cause me to become weak; I’m getting stronger, daily. Whatever life throws at me, I’ll get up again, and this time, instead of being betrayed repeatedly, I’ll be happy. It’s over now. I’ll accept this as my fate.