“Hey!!!” I typed.
“Hi!” she replied.
“Would you come over?” I asked.
The double blue checkmarks assured me she read the message.
I awaited her reply.
It has been a week, and she hasn’t replied.
I read the message once again and put my mind to work.
“Did I miss something”?
“Was I ambiguous”?
“Why didn’t she reply”?
“Is she angry with me”?
“Did she know that I lied to her in college”?
These thoughts kept me awake at 3 am when I accidentally awoke from my slumber.
What happened to me is not something new. We have all been there. At least, most of us.
You see the double checkmarks or the ‘Seen’ icon on your messages. But, after that, nothing. Incommunicado.
Hours pass and even months. When the friend contacts you again, she doesn’t even realise she hasn’t replied.
When your friend goes incommunicado, you spend your time spinning a web of scenarios. Interestingly, the other person is always at fault. She is deliberately not answering you, which is your analysis of the situation. You even tell your third friend about your incommunicado friend’s behaviour.
Does this make any sense to you?
Welcome to the world of Texting Panic.
What is Texting Panic?
Texting Panic, a.k.a Texting Anxiety or Textxiety, is the norm now rather than an exception. In the world of digital communication, where the tone, grammar, punctuation, and manners are missing, texting panic is taking people on a ride.
In simple words, it is a result of stress, anxiety, worry, or panic associated with text messages. When a person gets obsessed with word choices in text messages, waits anxiously for replies, or gets stressed due to delayed responses, they are said to have textxiety.
How grave is the problem of Textxiety?
Textxiety or Text Anxiety is the chronic state of stress associated with sending, receiving, or waiting for text messages. Text messaging is devoid of ninety percent of human communication, which leads to problems.
The communication vacuum of the present era makes our brains default to worse-case scenarios. Even a missing exclamation mark or an unexpected reply causes issues, with respect to text communication. Delayed replies are interpreted as abandonment.
As we carry our phones everywhere, the anxiety related to texts travel with us. It is not limited to desks or living rooms. This anxiety lives in our pockets, ready to pounce on us, in our weak moments.
Why do I suffer from Textxiety?
Absence of Non-verbal Clues
Digital Communication, especially texting, strips aways the tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions of a person. When these non-verbal cues are absent, the brain often tries to fill in the gaps; however, in a negative manner.
When I receive just a ‘Yes’ for a three-line long invite, I assume that the person is not interested in my invite. Alternatively, when I receive an all-caps NO, I assume that the person is being rude. I do not take texting mistakes into account, ever.
Delayed Responses
Due to high-speed internet, immediate delivery receipts have become more of a nuisance than a blessing. The ‘seen’ feature and ‘typing bubbles’ keep the texters in a hyper state. The texters expect an immediate response or constant communication.
People resort to texts instead of calls. They expect the same level of communication with texting as they do with calls, which is not always possible. This breaks down the communication channel and creates a misconception.
Need for Validation
Psychologists opine that textxiety often arises due to a person’s attachment style. If a person seeks constant validation, then a delayed response is bound to result in anxiety due to attachment. In digital communication, silence or delayed responses are often misunderstood.
If you are one of those people who get a dopamine boost when you receive text messages, then it might happen that you get attached to messages and responses easily.
How Does Textxiety Harm You?
It might seem normal to you, like a situation where a person is constantly checking their phone for updates.
However, it is not. This is also a form of Textxiety. It harms you in more ways than one.
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Fractures your focus
While writing this blog, I checked my phone more than once. I was seeking a reply to a message I had sent to my friend.
Eventually, I took more time to write than the earlier stipulated time. You lose more than your time; you lose focus.
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Spikes your cortisol levels
Once, while out on a family date, my husband asked me the reason why I wasn’t enjoying the banter.
I realized that while awaiting my friend’s response on a text, I was not enjoying the present time with the family.
Digital communication steals the joy of presence, mindfulness, and real face-to-face communication.
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Drains your daily peace
Staying active on various social media apps is draining the daily peace of many users.
Responding to each and every message on every app and awaiting over-the-top responses is a form of anxiety.
Why is face-to-face communication easy?
Have you noticed the difference between face-to-face communication and digital texting communication?
Face-to-face communication relies on body language, tone of voice, and expressions of the person. There are minimal chances of miscommunication here.
As opposed to this, digital communication is devoid of all this. There are many chances of misunderstanding as there is no tone, no expressions, or stress on words.
Texting is replete with empty spaces, which creates a problem for overthinkers. The texter does not realize that the person might have received an urgent call, might have faced a crisis, or may be avoiding digital communication for some reason.
When we do not receive an immediate response, our anxiety kicks in. It tries to fill in the gap with negative thoughts. For some people, no news is always bad news.
What are the Micro-Triggers in Texting Anxiety?
Did you realize that modern apps double up as anxiety machines? If you are on multiple social media apps like me, you might know what I am leading to.
When you are awaiting a reply, your brain tries to tell you that the person might be on a call or busy somewhere.
However, when you see the person active on another social media app, you feel cheated, ignoring the possibility that the person might be embroiled in some situation.
People who have a habit of reading the same messages repetitively notice the minute changes, like punctuation. When the person forgets to respond with an exclamation mark to an invite, texters conclude that the person is not interested.
How to protect your peace in digital communication?
When my friend asked me if she was facing anxiety with every message from her family group, my advice to her was to exit all the groups.
Thankfully, she did not. Because deleting apps or taking an exit from the groups will not give you peace, unless you tackle the real issue.
Here are some things that you can do.
Rule #1
They might be busy
A delayed response has nothing to do with you, but the person’s chaos, most of the time. We are not present around people when they receive and read our text messages.
Often, our minds make us think negative things in such scenarios. Train your mind to think about positive reasons the person is not answering.
Someone might have knocked on the door, the person might be replying to someone else’s messages, a work call perhaps, or the best one – the battery of the phone going dead. It is necessary to remember that a slow text is not a sign of a broken relationship.
Rule #2
Turn off ‘nosy’ features
Yes, some features of social media are quite nosy, if you ask me. I especially hate ‘last seen’, ‘online’ and ‘read receipts’. These features might help you to keep a tap on other people – whether they received your message or did they read it, but these are a nuisance if you see the bigger picture.
If you remember the idiom, ‘Curiosity kills the Cat’, you would understand what I am implying over here. There are some things in this world that you better not know about. So, you just need to turn off these features for that ultimate peace of mind that you are seeking.
Rule # 3
The ‘20-min’ No-Screen Time
When a message is pestering you, just put your phone away. This alone will not help you. You will have to take a walk away from your phone. If you have greenery around you, direct your attention towards it.
When you stare at the greenery for long, you are relieved from psychological stress. This exercise even alleviates the stress on eyes. Your focus gets diverted to better things in life, thanks to Nature.
Perform this mini getaway for at least twenty minutes for an immersive experience. If the person to whom you messaged stays close to you, approach them and have a face-to-face chat.
Yours is not a unique case
Often, we think that ours is a unique case because we get abandoned easily (yes, we have a petty reason for the same).
However, this is not true at all. All of us are sailing in the same boat, wearing flimsy life vests, ready to drown.
If you ask the person sitting next to you in a bus, if she faces the problem of ‘text ghosting’, she might end up becoming your best friend (who might ghost you later).
Instead of musing over read receipts, direct your attention towards actual work that needs to be done.
If there is no actual work at hand, your long forgotten hobby is always awaiting you.
Read a Book, make an art, grow a plant, watch a movie, start a web series, cook that recipe, or simply doze off.
