Shania is an amiable person. She makes people around her feel warm and connected. Always available for help and support, she takes the time to talk to everyone she meets. However, she isn’t a good conversationalist. An open book herself, she is also not good at keeping secrets. When I think of her, I often wonder whether oversharing is a good thing.
When a person is open about everything (when I say everything, I mean everything – right to your bowel movements), she feels authentic to the people around her, initially. However, not everyone wants to hear everything about you. Yes, people love a piece of gossip, now and then. But not everything about you (or others) is interesting.
We know many people around us who overshare. They share their plans, their struggles, their finances, and also their fears. Because, since the beginning, we have been taught, “Sharing is Caring”. But did you realise that the more you share, the less peace you have?
If you are new to the world of socialising, let me help you set boundaries. Here are 5 things that you shouldn’t share with the world. Later in the post, you will discover how keeping things to yourself helps you.
#1 Your Plans for the Future
Let’s start simple. You tell your neighbour that you are going to the market to buy veggies. She discourages you (based on her experiences) that veggies are not available during this hour. She persuades you to buy it later in the evening. You agreed to her advice and ate instant noodles for lunch.
If you had not revealed your plans to your neighbour, you might have bought some fresh veggies that afternoon. You could have had a healthy meal. Apparently, you took your neighbour’s free advice because you gave her a peek into your plan. This is just a simple day-to-day thing.
Just imagine, if you had told this neighbour of yours about your new business – let’s say, about hazelnuts. She would have probably discouraged you, saying, hazelnuts are not good for health; or probably that they are not a profitable business.
It happens to most of us. We tell our next big plan to people, only to have them trampled upon, even before it begins! People around you will not always encourage you. Instead of telling them about your next big plan, surprise them with the results of your plan.
#2 Your Finances
Your financial status is something not everyone around you would be happy to know. Tell people that you are rich, and suddenly, they will be your super best friends or super enemies because of jealousy.
Tell people that you are broke, and suddenly, they will start distancing themselves, thinking you might ask for money, or they might start pitying you. Keep your bank balance in shape. Your personality should not reveal that you are a miser or a spendthrift.
It is necessary to keep your finances and your money struggles to yourself. Never brag about your bank balance or reveal your struggles with money. When you steer clear of such conversations, you will feel peaceful. You would not want to pretend to be what you are not.
#3 Your Family
No Family is perfect. Every family has its own set of differences and disputes. That doesn’t mean you should wash your dirty linen out in the open. Not many people who listen to your story will offer you solutions. They listen to feed the gossip machine.
Some complaints with the family are such that they are solved on their own, even without mediation. If you share the discomfort with your friends, you might receive opinions and approaches that you didn’t require at all. You might also be judged.
Hence, the better approach is to give time, time. Instead of cribbing about your family, you should be grateful that you have one. When you are thankful for the people around you, the anxiety and stress related to them are solved on their own.
#4 Your Fears
I used to share my fear with my friends. However, I realised that I did not receive empathy or even sympathy, but I was also made fun of in my absence. Since then, I decided to deal with my fears on my own.
Your fears might be temporary. They might be related to the situation that you are going through. Sharing your fears with your friends might make you feel weak and numb at times. People may try to benefit from your fears.
You might overcome your fears eventually, but you might not overcome the embarrassment that you went through. Some people might misunderstand your fears. Share your fears with those who never bring them up, even in your weakest moments.
#5 Your Spiritual Side
There comes a phase in your life where you feel spiritually more awakened than you were earlier. During this phase, you want to spread the word of your journey towards spiritual growth. However, I recommend not to.
Your spiritual growth differs significantly from your financial growth. When you grow financially, your way of living elevates. This is visible to everyone. Unlike financial, spiritual growth is something that only you can experience.
People around you cannot experience your spiritual growth. They might get good vibes from you, but that, too, is not tangible. Some people even have a habit of mocking others’ peace and calm. Hence, steer clear of sharing spiritual growth.
Further, oversharing about your spiritual journey wears off the sparkle that comes with it. The peace that you attained through meditation and chanting wears off when you overshare it. Let people experience your peace and ask you about it.
#Personal Photographs (Bonus Point)
This is the age of social media – Out of Sight, Out of Mind. If you are not visible on social media, you probably do not exist. However, think the exact opposite of this.
If you are visible ‘too much’ on social media, you lose your inner peace. The moment you post a personal picture, you allow others to judge you – the dress is too short, the place is too tacky, weight gain, freckles, and so on.
In addition, you think about the number of likes and comments you got. A handful of likes despite having tons of friends seems a little frightening to some.
What if we limit posting personal photographs to the bare minimum? What if we do not seek validation on social media? What if we do not ‘overshare’ ourselves? The answer is peace, absolute peace.
Why do we overshare?
In one word – Connection.
We, as humans, are not islands. We always want people around us. We love to communicate. We want people to love us. And this need for connection makes us overshare our details.
When we receive validation, appreciation, and encouragement from people around us, we feel that we are a part of the group. However, when we are validated and become a part of the group, we are dependent on them.
With validation comes the constant craving for more validation. We hand other people the power to acknowledge us, appreciate us, and make us feel good about ourselves. When we seek approval, we seek judgment without knowing.
It’s a honey trap. Initially, people will validate you, even appreciate you. However, they won’t be able to appreciate you forever. There will come a point when they will start disliking you, judging you, and even mocking you at times.
Oversharing ends in regret. People who overshare often behave in extremes. Sometimes, they overshare unimportant things. And other times, they hide even important things. They become socially awkward.
Is this the reason you overshare?
Oversharing is a personality trait. People overshare for one or more of the following psychological reasons. When you realise that oversharing is a trait of your personality, you might learn to avoid sharing too much.
Loneliness
This is one of the major reasons we overshare. We wish for the conversations to continue longer. In a bid to keep the connection going, we overshare those things that were not meant to.
Validation
Some people have a notion that other people around them have a wrong notion about them. To build an image in the eyes of others, people start oversharing. For instance, if you think people think you as lazy, you overshare your routine where you work hard.
Past-trauma
People who are not able to differentiate their past events from those of the present often overshare. In a bid to process the trauma that they went through, they repeat the memories associated with it and hence, overshare.
Joy in distress
Often, we collect things thinking they will turn out to be useful in times of need. Similarly, people collect validation by oversharing. They use this validation and connection during times they are feeling low.
Attachment
When a person seeks physical closeness or an emotional one, often not available to them, they overshare their life. By doing this, they seek attachment and proximity, which they have not experienced.
Logorrhea
This is the most common reason people overshare. Logorrhea refers to the habit of talking excessively, often without any coherence. When such people do not have anything to talk about, they talk about their own lives and regret it later.
How to find a balance?
You need to figure out your personality traits to understand why you overshare. While oversharing may be a little too much for others, people understand that your intention is not wrong. When you understand the root cause of oversharing, it might be easier for you to change the habit.
Developing mindfulness while having a conversation is something that is helping me. I am mindful while I am talking to a new friend or a stranger, constantly ensuring that I do not divert the topic to a different track.
Make Silence your secret weapon
If you think maintaining silence means being secretive, it does not. Silence means that you are protecting your personal details.
When you choose silence over oversharing, you are protecting yourself from others’ judgment. It helps you keep your peace intact from unnecessary chatter.
I used to think that silence would make people think that I am rude. However, I came to realise that it is not. People need their space. If they need details, they will ask.
With silence, you can have some time to think about the ongoing conversation. It protects your ideas and emotions from prying eyes.
Last words
You are enough for yourself. There is no reason to seek validation or connection through oversharing. Keep your plans for the future to yourself. Do not share your family squabbles or finances with others. You are alone in the journey of spiritual growth.
When you do not fit into a mould, you can be yourself every time you face people. The moment they know more than they should know, you are bound to behave in a specific manner. When you feel the need to overshare, pause and take a step back. Think before you speak and protect your peace.
From this moment onwards, take charge of the conversation. Take charge of how you will protect your peace. Remember, we are in this together! Just like I changed, you can too!
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